What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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