mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
