i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
zippers are such a cool invention
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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