ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
