Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
