who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
