After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
