dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
