Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
