theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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