guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
