how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
