the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
