was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
