I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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