The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
