Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
