he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
