ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
