Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
