Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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