lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
