I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Oh god it's open bar.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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