I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
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