I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
