It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
