How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
