i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
