ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
