Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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