well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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