i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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