yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
