Will you blow on my dice?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
