I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
