John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
