She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
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