So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm just crazy horny about you
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize