i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
