When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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