Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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