Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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