Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
