bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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