I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
God I need to hump something, right now.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
