I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
