So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
