I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
