i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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