My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize