come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
It's shark week go big or go home
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
