she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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