I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
