Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
