tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
