i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize