the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
