My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
People in love make me want to vomit
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
