Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize