If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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