In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize