i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
