Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
