she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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