We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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