I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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