Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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